BURNING LOVE, by Wheels McGuinness. (Lambcrimes) Police Lieutenant Hack Firewhistle has to seduce a notorious anarchist to prevent him from torching Sexy Doctor Children’s Hospital.
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THE LIFE-CHANGING MAGIC OF PUNCHING, by Chex Hashimoto. (Pringuin) How to organize your home by just fucking wailing on all your shit.
SHAQ’S CRYPTOZOOLOGY FOR KIDS, by Shaquille O’Neal. (Hats) The actor, rapper, and basketball star guides kids through the world of sasquatches, jackalopes, and chupacabras.
THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, by Jericho Plame. (Hup) A man falls in love with a bicycle, but he DOES NOT have sex or want to have sex with the bicycle. We really cannot emphasize this enough; nobody fucks a bike in this novel.
HOW TO GET DRUGS REAL GOOD, by Marcus Notacop. (Ecilop Publishing) How to buy drugs to get like, super high. Requires 2 AA batteries, but not because there’s a wire in there or nothin’.
SIMPLIFY, by Gwyneth Paltrow and Friends. (Goop Press) A simple guide to simply living simply.
MR. JUMBLES AND THE UH-OH TREE, by Changela Stacks. (Loosington Children’s Press) Oh bother, what has poor Mr. Jumbles gotten his penis stuck in this time?
THE SLOGANEERS, by Hep McSworley. (Lumbago) A pair of hotshot 1920s ad men hole up in an isolated New England beach house for a month to invent a new slogan for soap, but fail to produce even a single grammatical English sentence.
THE STAR-WITCHES OF PRANCILLA V, by Leonevieve Sampler. (Grunch Press) The 1970s psychedelic space opera finally gets a second printing, with all the loving, paragraphs-long descriptions of transdimensional intercourse restored.